Self Sabotaging in Relationships: When "Loving Harder" Is Actually Self Sabotage
- Kristen Monroe
- Sep 7
- 17 min read
Table of Contents
The Story I Told Myself About Love
For the longest time, I thought I was the healthy one in my relationships. I genuinely believed I just had bad luck finding men who didn't treat me with the same devotion I gave them, the same love I poured out, the same commitment I showed up with day after day. So why weren't they showing up for me the way I did for them?
I had a simple explanation that protected my ego and made me feel special: I just love harder than most people.
This narrative felt noble, almost romantic. I was the woman who loved with her whole heart, who gave everything she had, who never gave up on people. I wore it like a badge of honor, especially when friends would shake their heads at how my partners treated me. "You're too good for him," they'd say, and I'd nod knowingly. Of course I was. I was just built different when it came to love.
What I didn't realize then was that I was self sabotaging every relationship I entered - and I had no idea I was doing it.
If you've ever felt like you love "too much" or wondered why you keep attracting partners who don't match your energy, this post is for you. Because sometimes what we call "loving harder" is actually unconscious self sabotaging behavior - and recognizing this pattern is the first step toward breaking free.
A note of support: If you're reading this and already questioning your patterns, first let me say: you're incredibly brave. Self sabotaging behaviors are usually completely unconscious, learned as survival mechanisms. The fact that you're here, willing to examine these patterns, shows your strength. This journey might feel overwhelming right now, and that's completely normal.
What Is Self Sabotaging in Relationships?
Self sabotaging in relationships means unconsciously engaging in behaviors that prevent you from experiencing healthy, reciprocal love - even though that's exactly what you think you want. It's choosing actions that feel like love but actually push away the very connection you're seeking.
What did my self sabotaging behavior look like? I was always the one initiating plans, always the one checking in, always the one accommodating their schedule, their moods, their needs. When they didn't text back for hours, I made excuses. When they showed up late or cancelled last minute, I was understanding. When they seemed distant, I worked harder to connect.
I felt proud of being "the giver" in relationships. I told myself that my capacity for patience, for forgiveness, for putting their needs first, made me special. But here's what I couldn't see then: I was unconsciously choosing partners who couldn't reciprocate, then working overtime to prove my worth - ensuring I'd never actually receive the love I claimed to want.
"This wasn't loving harder. This was self sabotaging behavior disguised as devotion."
Ask yourself:
Do you find yourself always being the one to initiate contact?
Do you make excuses for your partner's lack of effort?
Do you feel proud of how much you "sacrifice" for love?
Do you consistently choose people who are emotionally unavailable?
If you're nodding along, you're not alone. And you're not broken. But what we've been calling "loving harder" might actually be self sabotaging behavior that keeps us stuck in unfulfilling relationship cycles.
Self Sabotaging Disguised as Love: The Unconscious Patterns
The moment I realized I was disappearing in relationships was terrifying. I remember sitting in my car after another disappointing interaction with someone I'd been seeing - someone who consistently showed up inconsistently, who made me feel like I was lucky to get their attention. And instead of being angry, I found myself wondering what I could do differently to make them more interested.
That's when it hit me: I had no idea who I was anymore outside of what I could give to other people. I was self sabotaging every chance at real love by choosing people who couldn't love me back, then exhausting myself trying to earn what they couldn't give.
Here's the truth about this type of self sabotaging: It feels like love, but it's actually a trauma response. When we learn as children that our worth is tied to what we can do for others, we carry that blueprint into our adult relationships. We mistake intensity for intimacy, chaos for passion, and our own depletion for proof of how much we care.
"When you have no boundaries, you become a magnet for people who don't respect boundaries."
This self sabotaging pattern doesn't just hurt us - it actually attracts people who are happy to take advantage of our endless accommodation. When you have no boundaries, you become a magnet for people who don't respect boundaries. This is unconscious self sabotaging at its most destructive.
Signs of self sabotaging behavior in relationships:
You consistently prioritize their needs over your own basic needs
You feel resentful but can't express it
You find yourself constantly "proving" your love through actions
You feel empty or exhausted in the relationship
You choose partners who are emotionally unavailable or inconsistent
Your friends express concern about how you're being treated
You make excuses for their poor treatment of you
Important note: Self sabotaging can look different depending on your attachment style. What I've described here reflects more anxious attachment patterns - the over-giving, people-pleasing, and chasing unavailable partners. But self sabotaging can also show up as avoidant behaviors: pulling away when things get too close, sabotaging good relationships because intimacy feels dangerous, or choosing partners you know won't work out so you can stay "safe" from real vulnerability. The core wound is the same - not believing you're worthy of healthy love - but the protective mechanisms can look very different. (I'll dive deeper into attachment styles and how they affect self sabotaging patterns in a future post.)
If you're recognizing yourself in these patterns, you're not alone. Thousands of women are waking up to these same realizations right now. The next step isn't just awareness - it's learning what healing actually looks like, one day at a time.
Want the roadmap for what comes next? Subscribe to get my upcoming posts about building unshakeable self-worth, creating healthy relationship habits that feel natural, and most importantly - how to love yourself and actually believe it. Because recognizing the problem is just the beginning.
The Childhood Roots of Self Sabotaging Behavior
Looking back, I can see exactly where I learned these self sabotaging patterns - and it wasn't gentle or subtle. I was the toddler who was praised for being so quiet, for never crying, for being "such a good baby." That praise felt like love, so I learned early that my worth came from how little trouble I caused, how much I could handle on my own.
But it got much more intense as I got older. I was the older sister who became a third parent before I was even ten years old. By nine, I was babysitting my siblings, doing laundry, and making meals. By fifteen, when my siblings didn't do their chores, it automatically became my responsibility - not because I was asked, but because it was expected. By sixteen, I had a part-time job and was expected to help pay household bills that had nothing to do with me.
I never had my own space. I shared a room, had no privacy, no place that was just mine. I was the dependable one, the mature one, the one who held everything together when the adults couldn't or wouldn't. I learned to read every mood in the house, to anticipate needs before they were expressed, to be the emotional glue that kept everyone else comfortable.
At sixteen, I finally started acting out - running away, sneaking out, drinking. I was desperately trying to break free from being everyone's caretaker. Between sixteen and eighteen, I was in full rebellion mode against my parents. I dropped out of school, worked full-time, and even lived on my own for a while, paying rent in cash for a small trailer. I felt incredibly grown up, like I was finally in control of my own life.
When I was eighteen, I met a man much older than me and moved in with him. It felt like the ultimate independence - finally having someone who wanted to take care of me for once, after years of taking care of everyone else.
But he was emotionally and physically abusive. He was controlling, he cheated, he hurt me in every way possible. And yet I stayed for years, convinced that if I could just be better, do more, be more perfect, he would eventually love me the way he did in the very beginning when he love bombed me and made me feel so special.
The most heartbreaking part? He had two kids who I absolutely fell in love with. Leaving meant abandoning children who needed me - the one thing I'd been trained my whole life never to do. So I stayed in an abusive relationship, thinking my love could fix everything, just like I'd been taught at home.
What I called "being helpful" was actually being robbed of my childhood. What felt like being "naturally mature" was actually being forced to grow up too fast because the adults in my life needed me to function like an adult. And what I thought was "loving hard" in that relationship was actually the same trauma response - believing my worth came from how much I could endure, how much I could give, how perfectly I could meet someone else's needs while ignoring my own.
"I thought this was love because it's all I'd ever known. But it wasn't love - it was a trauma response."
Reflect on your own story:
Were you the "good kid" who never caused problems?
Did you learn to manage other people's emotions?
Was your worth tied to how helpful or accommodating you were?
Did expressing needs feel dangerous or selfish?
Understanding this connection isn't about blaming our caregivers or dwelling in the past. It's about recognizing that our self sabotage behaviors often started as survival mechanisms - and that we can learn new ways of being in relationship once we understand what drives these patterns.
The Wake-Up Call: When Self Sabotaging Hit Me Like a Freight Train
My real wake-up call didn't come from some gentle moment of self-reflection. It came when my brother told me I had commitment issues, and I was absolutely offended. I longed so deeply for something long-term - how could he say that about me? But something about his words hit me in a place I couldn't understand at the time. I felt like I needed to prove that I wasn't afraid of commitment at all.
So I began dating again shortly after. An old flame came back into my life and I thought it was fate. He lived back home where I'm from, and we went back and forth for two years. But he never committed to me - just led me on, breadcrumbing me, which kicked every single one of my trauma responses into overdrive.
For years, I tried to make things work. I traveled to spend time with him. I uprooted my life to be closer to him. After knowing me for 15 years, he begged me to stay after a visit, and I did - for a whole year. Then within a few weeks of going home, he called to tell me he cheated on me. A week later, he broke it off.
And here's the most devastating part: I even forgave him for cheating. I made excuses FOR HIM. That wasn't the first time either.
My sister sat me down on the patio over coffee and said, "This isn't okay. What he has been doing, and has done, is NOT okay. He's not a good person. He's not kind to you. Why are you allowing this to continue to happen? You know he's going to come back, you'll forgive him, and do everything in your power to make it okay." My best friend had said the same things to me.
I knew they were right, but it stung to admit that I was WRONG. Wrong about how the relationship was. Wrong about how he felt about me. Wrong about how I felt about him, even. I was more afraid to be wrong than I was afraid of how I allowed myself to be treated - and that was the awakening.
"I was more afraid to be wrong than I was afraid of how I allowed myself to be treated - and that was the awakening."
The second I realized I was more okay with allowing everything about me to be violated just to be "right" about how things felt in the beginning - that it "must be love, it must be fate" - that's when I finally saw it. I will say it was fate - it was my fate to have that one final sting, the big sting, the one I truly needed to wake me the hell up.
The next relationship after that, I started seeing red flags more clearly. I was less okay with them. I spoke up more, but still gave it more than I should have. I had more boundaries, but not as many as I needed. I was growing throughout that relationship though - flickers of better habits broke through.
Then after a miscarriage, I broke it off. I called it all out for what it was. I had never been more clear about anything in my life. I had hit rock bottom officially. The miscarriage made me dissociate to a new low, and clarity flooded every cell of my being.
It rocks you to your core when you start waking up to your trauma responses, to the patterns, to suddenly recognizing yourself differently than you have before. It breaks down this idea of yourself and you start feeling like you don't even know who you are anymore.
I wish I had someone - anyone - who knew the way when I was going through this. Someone who could be a light, who could guide me. Instead, I ended up going to therapy, which didn't seem super helpful at first, but was a huge release and validation of my trauma - trauma I was gaslit into believing was normal. Sadly, my own parents don't understand the extent of their own trauma patterns.
I was dealing with family resentment, self-hatred, and a strong desire to belong somewhere. The realization that I was self sabotaging wasn't gentle or gradual - it was brutal and undeniable.
Gentle reminder: If you're in this space right now, feeling like you don't know yourself anymore, feeling ashamed of choices you've made - you're not alone. This awakening is brutal, but it's also the beginning of real change. Your trauma responses make sense. Your patterns developed for reasons. And recognizing them, even when it feels devastating, is actually the first step toward freedom.
What Healthy Love Actually Looks Like vs Self Sabotaging
Learning the difference between loving and self sabotaging was like learning a new language. It meant discovering that I could support someone without fixing them, that I could be caring without being responsible for their happiness, that I could give from overflow instead of emptiness.
Real love, I learned, doesn't require you to disappear. It doesn't ask you to prove your worth through sacrifice. It doesn't mistake your accommodation for devotion.
"The difference isn't in how much you love - it's in how you love."
Healthy Love vs. Self Sabotaging Patterns:
Self Sabotaging "Love" Behaviors:
Giving from emptiness and fear of abandonment
Choosing emotionally unavailable partners repeatedly
Ignoring red flags to avoid conflict
Making yourself smaller to accommodate them
Feeling responsible for their emotions and happiness
Confusing intensity and drama with intimacy
Over-functioning to compensate for their under-functioning
Making excuses for their poor treatment
"Proving" your love through constant actions and sacrifices
Healthy Love:
Giving from overflow, not depletion
Choosing partners who are emotionally available and consistent
Maintaining your identity within the relationship
Having boundaries and respecting theirs
Supporting without fixing or managing
Reciprocal effort and emotional investment
Calm, steady connection over chaos and intensity
Addressing issues directly instead of making excuses
Being loved for who you are, not what you do
The difference isn't in how much you love - it's in how you love. Healthy love preserves both people and breaks the cycle of self sabotaging that keeps you stuck in unfulfilling relationships.
How to Stop Self Sabotaging in Relationships
Learning how to stop self sabotaging begins with awareness, but awareness alone isn't enough. I had to actively practice new behaviors, even when they felt foreign and uncomfortable.
The first steps felt terrifying because they went against everything I'd learned about love. I started small: expressing a preference about where to eat dinner instead of always deferring. Saying "that doesn't work for me" when someone tried to change plans last minute. Sharing my feelings without immediately minimizing them.
It felt wrong at first. Every fiber of my being screamed that I was being difficult, demanding, too much. But I kept going, one tiny boundary at a time.
Before we start - a promise: This work is hard, but it's also the most loving thing you can do for yourself. Every small step you take is rewiring decades of conditioning. Be gentle with yourself as you learn. You don't have to be perfect at this - you just have to be willing.
Practical Steps to Stop Self Sabotaging:
1. Start with Self-Awareness
Notice when you're over-functioning (without judgment, just notice)
Pay attention to resentment as a signal you're self sabotaging
Ask yourself: "Am I giving from love or fear of abandonment?"
Celebrate the awareness itself - noticing is the first victory
2. Practice Basic Self-Advocacy
Express preferences instead of always deferring
Say no to small requests to build the muscle
Share your feelings without immediately fixing or minimizing
Remember: advocating for yourself breaks self sabotaging patterns
3. Choose Different Types of Partners
Notice your attraction to unavailable people
Pay attention to how someone treats you early on
Choose consistency over intensity
Look for reciprocal interest and effort from the beginning
4. Redefine What Love Looks Like
Love includes boundaries and honest communication
Healthy relationships require two whole people
Your needs matter just as much as theirs
Real love wants you to be authentic, not convenient
5. Expect Pushback (And Know It's Not About You)
People used to your self sabotaging patterns will resist change
Some relationships may not survive you becoming healthier
This is information, not failure
Their discomfort with your growth isn't your responsibility
6. Get Support
Therapy to understand your self sabotaging patterns
Friends who model healthy relationships
Books, podcasts, resources about boundaries and self-worth
Remember: asking for help isn't weakness, it's wisdom
A gentle reminder: Some days you'll nail this new way of being. Other days you'll slip back into self sabotaging patterns. Both are okay. Healing isn't linear, and you're rewriting scripts that have been running for years. Every time you catch yourself and course-correct, you're breaking the cycle of unconscious self sabotaging behavior.
Breaking Free from Self Sabotaging: What Awaits on the Other Side
What relationships look like now is something I never could have imagined during my self sabotaging days. There's a peace in giving from choice instead of compulsion. There's joy in being loved for who I am, not what I can do. There's energy for my own dreams because I'm not pouring it all into managing other people.
Here's what I didn't expect: when I stopped self sabotaging and started showing up for myself, everything else shifted too. Better opportunities appeared. Healthier friendships developed naturally. I attracted people who valued my authenticity, not my accommodation. It's like the universe was waiting for me to believe I deserved good things.
This isn't magical thinking - it's what happens when you stop unconsciously sabotaging your own happiness. When you change your internal patterns, your external world reflects that change back to you.
"When you stop unconsciously sabotaging your own happiness, your external world reflects that change back to you."
What freedom from self sabotaging feels like: True happiness isn't the high-intensity emotion I used to chase in chaotic relationships. It's quiet confidence. It's peaceful mornings. It's feeling calm in your own skin. It's having energy for your dreams because you're not pouring it all into proving your worth.
You will find this peace with your loved ones too. When you stop self sabotaging through over-functioning, you give them space to show up fully. When you stop managing everyone's emotions, you get to experience genuine connection. The relationships that survive your growth will be deeper and more real than anything you had before.
You're Not Broken, You're Just Learning (And You're So Much Stronger Than You Know)
If you're recognizing yourself in this story, know that you're not broken or bad at love. You learned to survive through self sabotaging behaviors, and now you're learning to thrive. The awareness you're having right now? That's the first step toward relationships that truly nourish you instead of depleting you.
The goal isn't to love less - it's to love without sabotaging yourself. To love from a place of wholeness instead of emptiness. To choose partners who want to love you back, not just receive your endless giving.
Your future is so bright: Your future patterns are going to be powerful because they'll come from choice, not unconscious self sabotaging. From fullness, not emptiness. From self-respect, not self-abandonment. And when you start showing up for yourself with this kind of awareness, watch how the universe conspires to support you.
You deserve to be cherished, not just to cherish. You deserve partnerships that energize you, not drain you. You deserve love that feels like coming home, not like work.
And here's the truth I wish someone had told me earlier: The love you've been pouring into unavailable people? That same capacity for love, when directed toward yourself and emotionally healthy partners, will create a life more beautiful than you can imagine right now.
Be patient with yourself. Trust the process. And remember - you're not healing in isolation. Every woman who chooses to examine her self sabotaging patterns is part of a quiet revolution of women choosing themselves, and in doing so, creating healthier love for everyone.
Ready to go deeper? Recognizing your self sabotaging patterns is just the beginning. The real work is learning what healing looks like one step at a time, how to start creating genuinely healthy behaviors, and most importantly - how to love yourself and actually believe it.
Subscribe to get my upcoming posts about:
Building unshakeable self-worth from the ground up
Creating healthy relationship habits that feel natural, not forced
The day-by-day process of rewiring trauma responses
How to trust yourself again after years of self sabotaging
What self-love actually looks like in practice (hint: it's not bubble baths)
Because you deserve more than just recognizing the problem - you deserve the roadmap to lasting change.
Are you ready to recognize the self sabotaging patterns you didn't even know you had? What resonated most with you in this post? Share your thoughts in the comments below - your story might be exactly what another woman needs to hear as she discovers her own unconscious self sabotaging behaviors.
Frequently Asked Questions About Self Sabotaging
What is self-sabotaging? Self sabotaging is unconsciously engaging in behaviors that prevent you from achieving what you say you want. In relationships, it means choosing actions that feel like love but actually push away healthy connection.
What is self-sabotaging behavior? Self sabotaging behavior includes choosing emotionally unavailable partners, over-giving to prove your worth, ignoring red flags, making excuses for poor treatment, and prioritizing others' needs over your basic needs.
Is self-sabotaging a trauma response? Yes, self sabotaging is often a trauma response. When we learn early that our worth depends on what we do for others, we carry these survival mechanisms into adult relationships, unconsciously recreating familiar but unhealthy dynamics.
Is self-sabotaging a form of anxiety? Self sabotaging can be related to anxiety, particularly attachment anxiety. The fear of abandonment can drive over-giving behaviors and choosing unavailable partners as a way to avoid the vulnerability of real intimacy.
What are the patterns of self-sabotage? Common patterns include: repeatedly choosing unavailable partners, over-functioning in relationships, ignoring red flags, making excuses for poor treatment, feeling responsible for others' emotions, and giving from emptiness rather than fullness.
What type of personality self sabotages? Self sabotaging isn't tied to one personality type. It often develops in people with anxious attachment styles, those who experienced childhood trauma or parentification, people-pleasers, and anyone who learned their worth was conditional on their usefulness to others.
Is overthinking self-sabotaging? Overthinking can be a form of self sabotaging when it prevents you from taking healthy action, keeps you stuck in analysis paralysis, or leads you to make excuses for others' behavior instead of trusting your instincts.
Why do I self-sabotage when overwhelmed? When overwhelmed, we often revert to familiar coping mechanisms learned in childhood. If you learned to manage stress by taking care of others or avoiding conflict, you might unconsciously choose these patterns even when they're harmful.
Is self-sabotaging a red flag? Self sabotaging behaviors can be concerning, but they're usually signs of unhealed trauma rather than character flaws. The key is whether someone is willing to recognize these patterns and work on changing them.
What are some examples of sabotage in relationships? Examples include: always being the one to initiate contact, making excuses for a partner's poor behavior, choosing people who can't reciprocate your feelings, ignoring your own needs, and staying in relationships that consistently drain you.
Is self-sabotaging a symptom of ADHD? While ADHD can contribute to impulsive decisions that might seem self sabotaging, the relationship-specific patterns discussed here are more often rooted in attachment trauma and learned survival mechanisms than ADHD itself.
TL;DR (Too Long; Didn't Read)
The Problem: What we call "loving harder" is often unconscious self sabotaging behavior learned in childhood. We choose emotionally unavailable partners, then exhaust ourselves trying to earn love, ensuring we never actually receive it.
The Root: Childhood trauma (like parentification) teaches us our worth comes from what we give, not who we are. We recreate familiar dynamics where we're the caretaker/giver.
The Wake-Up: Recognizing these patterns is brutal but necessary. You might feel angry, ashamed, or confused - that's normal. This awakening is the first step toward change.
The Solution: Learn to give from overflow not emptiness, choose consistent partners over intense ones, practice boundaries, and understand that real love doesn't require you to disappear.
The Hope: When you stop self sabotaging and start showing up for yourself, everything shifts. Better relationships, opportunities, and self-respect naturally follow.
Remember: You're not broken. You learned survival mechanisms that no longer serve you. Healing is possible, and you deserve love that nourishes rather than depletes you.
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